When I was thirteen, I met a guy on Team Fortess 2 with a Sniper Rifle named “e621.net”. And that’s how I discovered furry porn.
“that is such a bullshit story —” So is your mom. Oh, sorry, Fruedian slip. I meant to say “like all good stories, it deserves a bit of embellishing.” And the man who embellished that story? Albert Einstein.
I feel a little bit of cringe for the time I spent on TF2. One of my best friends was a weeaboo who I watched Madoka with while he taught me Japanese pronounciation, but he was what I can charitably describe as a lolicon, so I’ll leave that story for when I immigrate to the Czech Republic. Another one of my friends helped me commit fraud by taking 20¢ out of a questionably legal bank account to buy Super Smash Brothers. Wow!
The guy helped run a TF2 server where you got cheap cheevos, and where I ran a minor weapon scamming ring using my mod powers earned after a rigorous test of “Who’s that Pokemon?”, giving away free powers that increased your weapon speed to twenty billion. There was a plugin where you could spawn twenty billion tanks, but that crashed the server, so they took my powers away from me. That’s a story for another day!
His dad was in the navy and was a real hardass, which is probably why he’s now working at the Department of Defense, even though I can’t remember if he’s Canadian or Statesian, like it hardly matters what nationality somebody was four years ago. There was a huge social group he was in which I kind of aimlessly watched like the socially awkward fuck I was way back when, fascinated at the idea of seeing everybody know each other and them doing very little that matters. I would come across another situation later in my life, on Tumblr. My teenage years were weird as all get–out.
The guy runs something called Radio Nintendo which is almost dead, but very typical of what that social group is or may not be about, which is to say, shit memes and weeaboos. The difference between me and the other fellas is that my meme consumption is limited to two cans a day, while they seem to be getting high off it all the time. Maturity comes in many different forms, I tell you, because while I may toking jokes with no regard for human life, at least I don’t have a anime avatar.
“Is a Pokemon a anime?” My boy… a anime cannot be defined. It is a feeling. A bad feeling.
My experience with the cheevo server taught me a few things in life. One, never underestimate the lenghts someone will go to defend somebody within their social group no matter how unpleasant they are. Two, all reputation earned in an online video game is lost the instant you stop playing that game, which is why I regret spending four thousand hours on Valve titles with nothing to show for it.
Three, your life can be easily split into periods of time where you spend a great deal of time on one particular thing. I consider the Steam period my least mature. Then there was the Tumblr period, the short stateless period, and now there’s the Neocities period. I consider this fourth period my best thus far.
I also remember doing graphic design for the guy, which involved putting nine different shades of red on a PNG. I charged his bank account five bucks. That’s what you get for being a borny, you horse–loving fuck.
I’ve talked about many mysteries here today, such as my banishment from that cheevo server, just who this boy and the other boys was, the many acts of terror I’ve inflicted upon the world of TF2, and that nostalgic period of time where I would browse tulpa threads on MLP when I was about thirteen. I wasn’t actually thirteen, and it would have been impossible for me to have been, but I like saying that I was thirteen just because it’s an age we can all relate to.
One of the biggest mysteries, though, is how this image managed to take up three kilobytes in its original form despite being a 16×16 PNG. A mystery quickly solved by looking at its EXIF data, which was line after line of profile-based nonsense, and that’s why you don’t use Photoshop. I’d paste it here, but I don’t feel like crapping up my own website.
So after cleaning up the colours and indexing it, you get a file size of 2,800 bytes, which shows that the operators of this website don’t understand the fine art of basic image compression. After running my favourite little tool Imgult, which runs a bunch of lossy compression schemes on your computer to compress images in the simplest possible way, the size was reduced to 181 bytes, which is known as a “holy shit” moment.
I guess it would be a mistake to expect anything decent out of a furry porn distributor, Chaos forbid we have some actual professionalism in a culture famous for being kind of shit. Chaos forbid furries get a fair shake on the websites they inhabit, legendary for having incompetent leadership and drama on a daily basis. I can understand the appeal of drama — somebody got 500 notes for saying I was a “Jim Jones wannabe” on Tumblr. But why must it exist while I’m trying to beat my meat to Sonic getting a blowy?
Incidentally, that’s why I don’t go on Tumblr anymore. You get slandered by a guy who draws My Little Pony porn, and Tumblr suggests you talk to him directly, as opposed to, you know, removing the slander. But I understand them wanting to keep their neutrality. After all, why should the basic principles of respect and decency matter? It doesn’t bring you any money. And combined with that sweet, sweet ad revenue from the porn artists, there’s no reason for your website not to host blatant lies, endorsing them by hosting them and making them publicly available on five hundred different blogs at once.
So to summarise, here’s a short list of things endorsed by Tumblr:
· My Little Pony porn.
· Libel.
Sweet dreams, kids! It could happen to you.
Date: 2017–02–27. Size: 181 bytes. Colours: 3.
Upscaled Dimensions: 392×392. Original Dimensions: 14×14.